you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
