Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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