apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
