I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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