She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
