I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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