If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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