he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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