i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
