The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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