when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
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