Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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