I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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