I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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