the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
