how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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