Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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