Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
