do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
