I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
