I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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