The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
