Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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