I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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