Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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