mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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