Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
