Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
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She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
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Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
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