just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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