I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
