I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
