dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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