We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
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It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
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I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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