You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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