every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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