I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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