the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
