Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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