im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
