i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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