you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
