I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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