i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
