I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
