apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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