Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
