Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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