my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
