Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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