did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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