Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
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