I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.