you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
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