I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
