If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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