My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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