Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
