Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
